My First Panic Attack

Anxiety attack. Panic attack. Whatever you call them…they just suck.

Quite the opening line I know, but there’s just no way to sugarcoat it. It’s one of those things where if you have experienced one yourself, then you just know. You know the feeling, the shame, the confusion. You know all the emotions that come with an attack and then sadness and sleepy aftermath that follows.

But what you may not know…deep in your heart, is that you are TRULY not the only one going through this.

My First Experience with Panic Attacks

I hate to admit this, but I used to be one of those people that thought anxiety wasn’t “real.” Having never experienced it myself, I thought it was just an excuse people used when they were a little scared or nervous. That they were just whiny. And Lord forgive me for ever thinking that because it is an absolute physical experience that can’t be controlled.

I learned this the hard way. 

In March of 2019, my husband and I had a couples trip planned. I was so excited to have some alone time with my friends without the kids. As moms we all love our children with everything we have, but man it’s nice to get a little break every once in a while am I right?

I was hanging with my friends but still not feeling like myself.

We had dropped the kiddos off with their grandmother- someone they absolutely love. There were no tears at drop off and I knew we were all going to have great weekends. Chase and I hoped in our truck and started to drive to Brimstone, Tennessee. We had rented a cabin with two other couples and the weather was perfect for four-wheeler riding and hanging with friends.

I had no worries. I was on a small  getaway-  things are good. We are just driving along listening to whatever artist album we are loving at the time and I notice that my chest feels a little tight. Hmm. No big deal I think, maybe it’s just a little heartburn. Then it starts to hurt a little more. In fact now there’s kind of a weird cooling sensation like someone has rubbed icy hot on my chest. I didn’t really understand what was happening and tried to rack my brain on what could be going on while I took some deep breaths and tried to control the nervousness that’s rising up in me.

Then suddenly I felt a little nauseous. That’s weird. I had eaten breakfast so my blood sugar wasn’t low. There’s really no reason I should be nauseous. 

Now I’m feeling like I want to cry. But why would I cry? I’m on vacation crying out loud! 

So as we drive, I’m trying to take deep breaths, not cry,  and not act like a total weirdo in front of my husband. But because he knows me and he’s not blind, he can tell something is wrong. He pulls over to grab me a snack and as soon as he steps out of the truck I just start to sob. Uncontrollable, punch in the stomach sob.  I remember feeling just so strange and uncomfortable. Like I might pass out, explode, …or die. 

Yes it was really that bad.

We continue on our road trip and I start to feel a little better. Like coming down from a very strange high. I was a little sad, but again, we are on vacation so I try to suppress it. We meet up with our friends and ride for a few hours through the hills and trails. The cool breeze makes it seem easier to breathe. I think I might actually be feeling better- until all the sudden I didn’t again.

As soon as we get back to the cabin, I take a shower and lay down in my bed. I’m so tired, mentally drained, and honestly still a little “anxious.” It’s hard for me to even put on my pajamas and get in the bed. Keep in mind, it’s only 6 in the evening. It’s not time for bed. But I just can’t shake what I’m feeling so I just lay down and cry some more while wishing someone would just knock me over the head so I could pass out for a while.

Ugh. The worst.

I don’t sleep well. I keep thinking if I could just sleep it off I’ll feel better in the morning. Unfortunately things only feel worse. Now that cooling sensation has moved to my back and I’m feeling like I might REALLY need some medical attention. I’m literally panicking about being panicked. 

My sweet friend loads me up and takes me to Urgent Care early that morning. I’m hoping for something. Anything! Anything that will tell me why this is happening and why I feel this way. Why I feel so betrayed by my body. And more specifically a real reason so there’s a real answer to fix it and make it stop.

After blood work and a talk with the doctor, they really don’t have answers besides minor anemia and  “stress.” Stress?? That’s it?

 I remember feeling so embarrassed and silly. There’s nothing worse than knowing something so completely physical is happening to you, only to hear that it’s something intangible like stress. I went back to my cabin and tried to enjoy the rest of my trip, but honestly I just wanted to go home. 

And that was the beginning of my battle with panic attacks.

And the panic attacks continue

So that was the first panic attack in a series that would plague me for a few months. 

The next month I had two more. And the month after that I had another. I had somewhat decided that it was triggered by leaving my kids and traveling, but that felt like a silly answer since I used to be a flight attendant.

It got to the point where I felt like I couldn’t even travel because I was afraid that it might cause another panic attack. I felt trapped by my own emotions, the lack of help from doctors, and it made me think there was absolutely nothing I could do about it.

I was wrong. And if you think you are stuck in this endless cycle with no way out, you’re wrong too friend!

It does get better. 

Because now I haven’t had a panic attack in over a year

That doesn’t mean I don’t get anxious from time to time and even experience some of the same symptoms, but it’s no where near as intense or scary. In fact it’s very manageable.

Of course, I want to share with you all the things that helped me, and you can read about them by grabbing my free guide below, but more importantly, I really want the main purpose blog to just be about knowing you aren’t alone. Not solving your problem, but making you feel seen and heard.

Knowing that you aren’t crazy, or emotional, or attention seeking, or any of the shameful things you feel about yourself. It has taken me a long time and a lot of trial and error to talk about it without shame or guilt. I mean it was honestly painful to write this article, but everytime I share, I feel better. I bet you will too when you open up.

Today please know that you are not broken, you are special, you are worthy! There are so many of us that are dealing with exactly what you are dealing with. So remember  :

1. Listen to YOUR body. Study what YOUR body needs. You are not a cookie-cutter of anyone else.
2. Don’t let your emotions get tangled. Cry when you need to cry. Rest when you need to rest.
3. Talk to God- he wants you to draw near to Him.
4. Remember, your experience could serve a bigger purpose because God never wastes a hurt. Don’t forget to use your story to help others!